Then And Now

Because a co-worker is throwing one of those gold-buying parties, I was inspired to dig around in my jewelry box for things to sell. I had some old stuff from ex-boyfriends, but I couldn't find it anywhere, so I pulled out My Special Box to look for it.

I started My Special Box when I was 14 and had just gotten back from England for the first time -- one of my best friends is English and since I was 12 we alternated summers with each others' families in New York and England. Being over there made a huge impression on me, so I started a box to save mementos from trips, boys, friends, family, school -- things that were special. I kept adding to it pretty much until I was 25. When I started dating Sean and things were decidedly un-special.

At any rate, there are a lot of things from college in there because of course that was a major growing experience and all that -- such intense feelings from college. Intense friendships, intense love, intense sadness and happiness -- everything seemed multiplied, and when I was reading through all of those keepsakes and looking at the little trinkets I saved, all of the intensity came rushing back like crazy and just took my breath away.

In some ways, I am so like myself from 11 or 12 years ago, but in other ways, I couldn't be more different. I am still so emotional and headstrong, but I am so much more confident and sure of myself. I take more risks now in some ways, but back then I took a lot of stupid risks. Back then, I took more physical risks, where now I take more emotional risks, though I would jump out of a plane or off a cliff into the ocean any day still. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days and do so many things differently and more confidently, and other times I am glad I made all the dumb mistakes I did because it made me into who I am now.

And all of this self-realization and memory-lane walking totally made me realize something huge: for my whole life, the only thing I wanted to do was write. It defined me in school, it was who I was. After college, I did it for a while, but I got burnt out writing about shit I didn't care about for a living, which not only depressed me, but made me hate what I loved. And it also made me scared of what I loved. The risks I used to take when I wrote? I couldn't take them anymore. I was afraid of hurting the people around me and exposing myself and having someone get the wrong idea about what I was writing about.

But I don't have to be. All of these ideas and thoughts and stories and poems that are running around in my head? They don't need to stay hidden inside anymore -- because I am not scared anymore. And I don't give a shit if someone gets the wrong impression, and all of this feels very liberating. Finally realizing what has been holding me back from writing and what I need to do to get back there, and in turn, getting back to who I am.