You Know You Think This Way, Too

This may not be a very nice post.

I just have to write about it, though, because I have been obsessed since getting to the gym today for my second (awesome) run.

Since I went after work, I had to change in the locker room into my running clothes. No big deal. I don't really have an ounce of modesty, so I don't care about changing out in the big room. Some people do, some people go into the bathroom, but I would say that most women at my gym don't care about changing out in the open. It's usually done fairly discreetly, not much flouncing around or anything (sorry, not a porno in there).

And of course, I, as am I sure everyone else does, try to keep my eyes averted and all, but you just can't help but notice people who are naked a foot away from you. Try it. It is impossible.

But, after noticing them, I generally tend to zone back out and think about working out, mung beans, or whatever the hell else is going on in my head, but not today.

A women who had the weirdest boobs was flouncing about and I could not help but notice. And observe. And then obsess. She had the flattest, at the same time saggiest, at the same time hugest nipples I have ever seen. I don't mean to be crass or anything, well yes I do, I don't mean to be obnoxious, but I just have never seen anything like them before. And either she didn't care or didn't know how...interesting they were, because she was let them flatly sag for a good five minutes.

This was almost as bizarre, but not really at all, as the time I was in the steam room with a masturbator.

Yes, you read that right. I was still living in NYC and went into the steam room after working out. And, in steam room etiquette, I went in in my towel with another towel to sit on. There was already a girl in there who was lying down across the tile bench. I went to the other side of the room, since I didn't need to be all up in her space.

When I first walked in, the steam was coming out, so it was really loud and, well, steamy, so I couldn't really see her that well. When the steam turned off, I heard a....squishy noise. And then, some soft moaning. And as the steam cleared, I saw that she was full-on masturbating. For real.

A million thoughts raced through my head...what do I do? Leave and walk right past her? Try to ignore it? Ask her to be quiet? Wait a few minutes to see if she would stop? What the hell? I was not getting in on it, but was that what she was trying to have happen?

Eventually, I waited a few minutes until the steam came back on, then got my ass out of there. That time I kept my eyes very, very averted.

Weird shit happens in locker rooms.

My Run?

Amazing.

Old Friends

Now that we have our new computer, I am in the process of ripping all of my CDs to the new iTunes library -- over 300 CDs. Why, you ask, did I not just transfer them from the old computer? Well, because I had only uploaded maybe a fifth of them. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, he kept the computer, which housed thousands and thousands of our combined songs. Therefore, I lost hundreds of dollars of music and the ability to update my old, first-generation iPod. Not that I was/am bitter or anything, but after that I just didn't care to spend the days it takes to reload all of the CDs onto the computer. And, as mentioned in my last post, I had stopped running just after all that happened, so the need to constantly make new running playlists dissipated, and I just sat on the subway and listened to the songs I had on my iPod already without adding any new ones.

But now, with the getting back into running, and having a new computer, and also having bought a car that already has an iPod connector built in (how cool is that?), I figured it was time to bust out the CDs and go for it, as well as reactivate my iTunes account, and get all current again.

In the process of all of this, I am ripping CDs that I have had for years and years -- like, since college. It's been awesome to remind myself of all this old music and why I like it.

I have been obsessed with Bjork forever, but I kind-of forgot about Vespertine. What a beautifully gorgeous album! I saw her perform right when this album came out, and it was just heart-breakingly beautiful. The words, the haunting music -- it just gives me chills.

This project is going to take me some time, since there are so many CDs, but I am loving it! I can't wait to make new playlists and get all my music categorized.

God, I am such a geek.

Begin Again

For years, I was defined as a Runner.

Everyone who knew me, knew I ran. I ran a LOT. All the time -- marathon running. Training was paramount to my existence; I couldn't imagine a Saturday NOT beginning at 5 or 6 a.m. with a three or four hour run. I belonged to running groups and took running classes and ran just about every race in NYC for years.

But then, while two weeks away from running the NYC marathon in 2004, I totally blew my IT band. It was truly one of the most devastating experiences in my life. I had been going through a really, really hard time and running was the one thing that centered me. I knew that once I ran the marathon, I would be able to close a chapter in my life and move on...except I couldn't run the marathon because I was getting cortisone shots in my knew and going through some painful physical therapy. It really was awful.

It's been hard to try running again. I used to run fairly fast and for a long time. But running after the ITB? It was slow and choppy, and eventually I gave up on it all together.

But something has changed for me, and the time has come again. If you aren't a runner, or you don't have a thing like running, it probably sounds very dramatic to write this whole post, but running is a pretty spiritual experience for me -- more so than yoga, more so than going to church -- especially when I run outside. I used to trail run in these woods near my parents' house in NY and I just felt really....let;s just say, connected with forces much bigger than me.

On Tuesday, I am planning on getting back into it. Slowly, and with much more patience this time around. And I don't have the defeatist feeling I had before when I attempted it, and I know this time it will stick. I can't wait to get back into running, and racing, and not being able to imagine a Saturday that doesn't involve a solid two hours of running.

In Which Things Are Totally Typical

Well.

So.

That whole sprouting the mung beans thing? Well, the saga continues.....

Today I went to the doctor because I have had a fever and have been feeling just awful. Horrible stomach ache, achy all over, exhausted -- just all around crap.

And guess what? The doctor is 99 percent sure I have salmonella. Also, I could have hepatitis! I have to collect many stool samples (yum), can only have liquids for the next few days, and had to disinfect my whole house like a maniac because, guess what? Salmonella is contagious. AND if I do have it? They have to report me to the health department!

I mean, seriously. This is a typical thing that would happen to me. FP thinks it is hilarious, except for the fact he has put me in quarantine in the bedroom and bathroom in there, and gags when I talk about the stool samples.

Ironically, this all started because I wanted to cleanse my body and be healthier, for Christ's sake. You can all rest assured that there is a definite cleanse going on, just not what I had intended.

Typical.

Lesson Learned

When going on your own kitchari cleanse -- the one that calls for mung beans and basmati rice, the one you have done before and it has worked so well -- do NOT attempt to sprout your own mung beans.

Mung beans, when not sprouted correctly, and often even when sprouted correctly, grow a freaking ton of bacteria. Because you need to sprout them in a warm, dark place. Apparently, sprouting mung beans are known for causing salmonella.

And yes, I proved that true.

So, if the goal is to cleanse, fast, and get everything out of your body, feel free to go ahead and sprout them, because you WILL get all the shit out of your body because you will give yourself food poisoning.

The effects will continue on for a few days, they continue on still, so you can't eat. So, if also part of your goal is to lose weight via starvation, feel free to sprout them yourself.

Good times.

I Thought It Was Just A Simple Trip To Whole Foods

In the car, about a twenty-minute drive from home, coming back from Whole Foods....

FP: Let's get back and get in bed for the rest of the day
Me: I have to do some yard work.
FP: Come on!
Me: OK, after the yard work.
FP: Come on! Cuddle up!
Me: Listen, you don't understand. I have to get my energy out. My brain just has too much energy and I won't be able to relax.
FP: Why don't I let you out here and you can run home? That should get your energy out.

Later, while stuck in traffic.....

FP: pinches my leg
Me: Ouch! Be careful, that is my bad leg
FP: I am going to cut off that leg and give you a wooden one, so that I can knock on it all day and you won't complain.
Me: Hey! Pinching him
FP: And then, I'm going to cut off your fingers and replace them with feathers so they will caress my face instead of pinch.

Later, I was doing this awesome dance to the song "Green Light."

FP: You look like a retarded fish. A retarded, wiggling fish.

What I Would Really Love Right Now Is....

....to win the lottery.

....for my husband to get a new job and not have to work all day, every day of the week.

.....to have NY and FL much closer, like a 45-minute max drive.

.....to go back to school for my MFA in writing.

.....for FP to go back to school for photography.

.....to travel all over the world.

.....to see my all my favorite bands perform in one venue.

.....to be able to afford the David Sedaris tickets! He is coming to Jacksonville and the cheapest one is $175! WTF!

.....a new washing machine.

Parachutes

Perfect moment, transported back in time
wrapped in beautiful memories
of heartache and longing
laughter and smiles.

The simplest thing
pulls me in
rips me from the present.

Only one thing missing.

Viper

Comes up on me out of nowhere,
slithering, sneaking, turning like a snake.
Bring it in, feel every inch
hard to let go because
I don't want to.
I never could, could I?

For The Record....

....I don't think Joaquin Phoenix is on drugs. I think he is totally acting.

Mrs. D's Word List

So I am kind-of crazy. There are a lot of hand motions and excitement when I have something to say, and I teach that way, too. I'll make up little songs and do little dances, but most of all, I have some phrases.

Now, you might think my kids would get annoyed, but, and this has happened with every class I have, love it. They even start saying these phrases in their own conversations, in writing, and to their parents. My class this year asks me to say some of the phrases, and they told me they were going to make me a word book of the things I say. I asked what would be in it, here is the list:

Yikes
Oh NO!
Fabulous
Uh-oh
Absolutely Not
Fantastic
Wonderful
Keep your internal dialogue inside your head
When you are ready, I will invite you to __________
That is not okay
Feel (whatever the inappropriate word/action is) in your heart, but keep it in there
Honey
Hmmm...that''s...interesting (I say this to adults, too. It's best used after a story that is the opposite of interesting. So if I say something is interesting, you can bet I have some other adjectives for it)

Yes. I am kind-of crazy.

List Time....

Where have I been for the past 10ish days?

1. Jen visited last weekend, which was an extravaganza.

2. Working -- working, working, working. Have I mentioned work is really busy?

3. Having a broken washing machine and garage door all on the same night! Woooooo!

4. My awesome friend Jim has been down since Thursday night. I think between last weekend and this, my liver might explode from all of the hard work it has to do.

Back to regular blogging tomorrow. Right now, we have some more drinking to do.